Let’s face it, no one loves breaking up. It’s stressful and very awkward. That being said, there are many civil ways one can break up with their partner without being a douchebag. Also, why do people keep complaining that breaking up via text is bad? I think it’s safer and less expensive, and also less dramatic than breaking up in person. That being said, let’s dive into the story.
1. PURPOSEFUL CHEATING BREAKUP: Cheating on someone with the sole intention of destroying the relationship is evil. More evil than that is cheating with one of the following (in no particular order): your ex, their ex, estranged family, paid company, or best friends.
2. NO SHOW NO CALL BREAKUP: No call, no show is just what it sounds like. You just kind of fade away, like Kas and Bigiano’s music career. But No call, no show is something you do when you want to quit your job, not when you’re ending a romantic relationship. No props for keeping it retro.
3. THE POST S3X BREAKUP: Breakup sex is something both people have to agree to. You can’t just go in there and sneakily acquire the breakup sex and then notify the person that it’s over once you’ve come. “That was amazing… but you’re not. Hope we can be friends someday!” For shame.
4. THE SEED OF DOUBT BREAKUP: Whether motivated by fear, indifference, or sheer laziness, the person who desires a breakup plants seeds of discord until they sprout into “I am the worst boyfriend/ girlfriend ever” trees, at which point a breakup is initiated by the person who didn’t actually want the relationship to end in the first place. Noble!
5. THE TEXT AFTER HANGING OUT BREAKUP: “(1/2) Hey, it was great spending the past three days with you spooning, feeding each other ice cream, talking about what we want to name our kids ten years from now, looking into each other’s eyes longingly… but (2/2) this isn’t working out for me. Don’t hate me?” Bitch, don’t waste someone’s data plan just because you’re too much of a douche to break up with them face-to-face. Everyone knows if you’re going to break up with someone via text, you need to start acting like a jerk at least three weeks in advance. Get it together.